I ain't been doin ish

Sooooo I had a boyfriend for a real short time. Not my fault. Ish just didn't work out. I went to a party and saw receding hairline. I actually spoke to him, which I am sure came as a surprise since I blocked him. And he looked sad. Oh wells.
I got an ex who is engaged. And I am steadily dealing with fails that I meet out and about. My stories are sure to be more interesting but geesh. How interesting does a chic need to be.
I'm still out chea thuggin. Still outchea dating. And mostly couch drinking. All is well.

That one time I got pistol whipped…

So back in New Orleans, I managed a store that specialized in college/sorority paraphernalia. Since our main customers were students, summer was a pretty slow time for us. Around the end of July beginning of August of 2005 I was at work. Just a normal day, I was working the front of the store and our seamstress, the embroidery guy and the two owners were in the back. It had been pretty slow that morning, and my coworker for the afternoon was a little late for her shift.

Oh let me explain the set up of the store: Front area had a downstairs area where the cash registers and some clothing merchandise were, and then there was a higher level with more merchandise and a door to the back of the building where there was storage, the office and an area where people worked with embroidery and sewing machines.

A random man comes into the store and just stands next to the counter, and I was standing right by the stairs and asked if he needed help. I didn’t go down the stairs because something seemed off about him, mostly because he clearly was not a customer. My coworker rushed in and went to put her purse down in the back and I just stood waiting on this guy to say or do something. She comes out the back and at that point he pulled a gun out and says “This is a robbery”…

Now people who know me know that everything I am thinking can be seen in my facial expressions, and when dude said he was robbing us I was thinking “this is a dumb choice, we don’t have any cash”. The few customers we had generally paid with daddy’s credit cards. He clearly saw my expression and ran up to me and said “Bitch I am not playing” and proceeded to beat me about the head with his gun. My glasses fell off when he hit me, and as he rushed past me he stepped on them as he yelled at my coworker who was screaming. All I could think was “this nigga just broke my glasses, I can’t afford a new pair right now!”.

When my coworker screamed, the embroidery guy ran out to see what was going on, then he ran back into the back and LOCKED THE DOOR. Sooooooo now I am trapped in the front of the store with a gun man and a crying woman who is curled up in a ball on the floor. Nice. He walks back up to me and tells me to open the registers, so I do. He grabs out the cash, and there was maybe $170 in there. He yells “Is this it???” and I am like duh dude, yeah. He is stuffing the cash into his pockets, his keys and lotto tickets fall out, and I can’t help but think how much of a mess he seemed to be. He was clearly a crack head and needed a fix because dude was bad off. But that’s also a bad thing because that means he is desperate. Once he realized that was all he was going to get, he left. And then the unsettling thought came into my mind, this man could have shot me.

I go to my coworker who is crying uncontrollably and comfort her, and then we knock on the back door so we can talk to the owners. I also cuss the embroidery guy out for locking us out there. Asshole. The owners had called the police so we all waited on them to show up and do their thing. After talking to the police and giving statements I grab my stuff to leave. One of the owners gives me $40 and tells me to go get a drink (LOL). The coworker who was out there with me says “I am glad this happened with you and not one of the other workers, I don’t think anyone else could have been as calm as you- I know that is messed up but its true”.

My boyfriend and I go get daiquiris and while out the police call and say they have picked the man up while he was buying crack (DUH) and that I needed to come in and pick him out of a line up. We head to the police department and the detective on the case turns out to be a friend of ours. They show me some photos and I pick the guy out immediately. They tell us this guy has been robbing a bunch of stores in the same area as mine, it was easy for him due to the slow summer.

Fast forward a few weeks and Hurricane Katrina hits. We evacuate and start a new life in Texas, I am at work a few months later and I get a phone call from the New Orleans police. They tell me that they are trying the robber and would like me to come out and testify in his court case. I literally laughed at that woman. Boo, I am not coming out there for that mess. Do you know what the hell I have been through? Anywho, that’s my story about how I got pistol whipped. That mess hurts like hell. I had bruising down to the bone on my temple and a big cut. Now when I see this happen to people on movies or hear about it on the news I get angry.

Fin.

Married Guy

So um yeah, met this married guy on OK Cupid. I obviously didn't know he was married but I soon realized this was the case due to the fact that he would not answer texts or phone calls after 6:30pm.
Then on a date when I asked about his relationship status he says "I am in the middle of a divorce".
Now this could be a plausible answer, but I had a feeling it was not. He then mentions that he is only looking for something casual and not a real relationship.
Oh so you are still married and you only want a booty call???

Boy bye.

It gets worse: The Hot Boy

Another well meaning friend does me a “favor” and introduces me to an old friend of hers from high school. We meet up one Friday for drinks, nice guy, decent looking, a little hood but ok… As the night goes on I realize this is not gonna be a love match, but we can probably hang out and I will invite him to go out with me and my people. Unfortunately, this kind hearted friend decided to push the matter and stalk both of us about dating each other. I think this made him think that I was feeling him more than I really was.

Not two days after meeting him, I start getting “I mi$$ u” texts. Oh and that’s how he writes. “ñ, 4$ho, str8”… WHY LAWD WHY?? Because I have a kind soul, I was going to chalk these things up and still try to be his friend. I figured if I didn’t respond to the foolish “I miss u” crap, then he would stop. He did not. So then I was like “knock it off”… didn’t end the madness. It only increased. I start getting phone calls 85 times a day and questions like “what we doing tonight”…. Errrr not sure what you doing but I have plans with my friends. At this point I am over him and his craziness and five whole days had not even passed. BTW it only 5 days have passed!

Oh, let me back track here. When I met him he had these giant earrings on, and to me they looked like bows. I realize that they are actually the "comedy/tragedy" masks with bling in them. In both ears, mind you. As we left the bar, I notice that he had a mid 90's gold caddy pimped out. Pair this with a receding hairline and a waistline that was doing quite the opposite. Annnnnnnnd man breasts. 

Also he kept complaining that police seemed to pull him over for no reason, I mentioned that maybe it was his car. And he seemed stunned. I am like you have a d-boy car, so why wouldn't they harrass you. I could tell this hit a nerve, and kind of backed down. Although logically it makes all the sense in the world. He started a rant about how black people can't ever have nice things, cuz the man is ready and waiting to knock them back down. yep... that's what it is...

*As you were*

Exactly one week from meeting him, there is a New Orleans party at the HOB. I go with some of my people and we have a great time! Except… Hot Boy shows up all in my face and since I suppose I wasn’t as enthused as he would like so he decided to “show me” by hollering and getting on every broad he could find. Do you my nig… I am over here not tripping and having fun. I guess he didn’t like this either because he would routinely go back in forth from being in my face to getting his mack on. Sir please go live your life. UGHHHHHHHHHHHH

Dating is wack: The Lurker

A guy I have known for years, who I know through my ex- contacted me randomly. So we start chatting, with more and more frequency. Eventually he mentions that he has always had a crush on me and I liked him too, so we decided to go on a date. I won’t lie we had a great time. He was always very gentlemanly and kind. But I started noticing that something was off with him. Time goes on, and we spend more time with each other and as much as I like him- something is still off. I can’t put my finger on what but that feeling stayed. After a few months he decides he isn’t ready to date seriously, and I am like “ok cool”. It gave me a nice out, because although I liked him I wasn't really sold on making something serious with him.

We stopped dating but stayed in touch. We meet up every now and then for lunch and chat every now and then. No problems, right? Well…. Since we run in the same circle, I see him when we go out and its friendly- or so I thought, until I realized that he was becoming a cock blocker! At parties each time I see a guy eyeing me and give it back to them, here  comes the Lurker out the blue to stand next to me or talk. Womp womp…

So you don’t want to date me, but you don’t want me to date anyone else? How that work? You had your chance sir, and you decided it was a no. Why won’t you let me be great??

Things are definitely going to have to change on this front. Like Deborah Cox said “weeeeee caan’t bbbbeeeee friends”, not because I am in love but because you are apparently crazy.

Throwback Dating

Freshman year in college is a time of learning, about yourself and how you fit into the world around you. You experience a lot of new things, and meet a lot of new people. For most of us, it is the first time we have gotten to live away from the parents and that is an experience unto itself!

When I arrived to college, I realized I had been placed in a co-ed dorm. This wasn’t a huge deal to me, and I didn’t really speak to boys (or anyone I didn’t know) so I wasn’t worried about men being in my immediate vicinity being a distraction. This turned out to be a very false assumption.

About a month after starting school, I was washing clothes and some big fine country boy was playing pool by himself. We started chatting, and he seemed cool- he was on the basketball team and was from Fort Worth, TX. Which meant he was fine and southern, two things I like in a man. From then on I would see him out, and he would just stare at me until I spoke to him. It was odd, but I kind of like crazy folks so it intrigued me. He started walking me to class and I would hang out in his room with him or in mine. I guess per college standards we were dating.

Side note: my roomie was a very wonderful white gal named Barbie, she would come home TORE UP often, and couldn’t figure out how to use her key so I frequently left the door unlocked so I didn’t have to walk out and find her crumpled in front of our door.

So after a few months of seeing him, I realized he was quite the insane person. He would come into my room often without knocking and would eat mine and Barbie’s food. I would hear him coming down the hall singing Al Green songs, and just get annoyed. But at the same time, loved that he was nuts and something about the way he said “Aww Girl” in his Texas twang got me every time.

One night after a party on campus was over, I woke up in my bed for seemingly no good reason. Initally I was confused as to why I awoke but soon realized that the light was on, so I thought maybe Barbs had come home and I rolled over to look at her side of the room. Low and behold- what did I see? This fool sitting in my desk chair that he had pulled up next to my bed, while snacking on an apple he says “Aww girl, you even pretty when you sleep”… ummm what? Why? I just said thank you and he got up after a few minutes and left. This was actually the first time I started wondering if he was actually mentally unstable. SMH

Being a college relationship, time didn’t pass too long before I heard about him seeing someone else. So I stopped seeing him. This apparently didn’t stop him from creeping on me and coming into my room. I began seeing another guy, and one day while hanging out with him he asked me why he called my room the day before and dude answered the phone. I was totally outdone and confused!! Why WAS he in my room, answering my phone and had the nerve to not even leave me the messages… jerk.

Anywho, crazy man left campus after our freshman year and is apparently living in his home city. I have not seen him since moving to TX and am really ok with that. This was just a quick story that I think about and laugh, because who breaks into folks rooms to stare at them??? I have been dealing with crazy folks for quite a long time yall……

More Dating Woes:Red Caddy

Last year around this time, I was using online dating sites as a way to try to meet men outside of my circle. I met one, and we hit it off but somehow after talking on the phone things just didn’t work. Recently this man contacted me on the facebook, and we began chatting again. I couldn't recall what happened, or why we stopped talking so I figured what could it hurt by talking to him again. Soon a date was set up for us to meet and hang out.
We agreed to meet at a local brewery for lunch, and as I got out the car I noticed a red Cadillac pull up (circa 1995, not that that’s important) and I immediately knew that it was him. I briefly thought about getting back in my car and pulling off. I had time, but decided to just go on with the date.

After being seated, we chatted for a bit. It was familiar since we had talked on the phone for the past week or so. Out of the blue he says “I need to go blow my nose before this booger comes out on the table”… Uhh what now? I was like “Ok, handle your business”, and nervously laughed. When in reality I was grossed out, and confused as to why anyone would tell a woman that on their first date. I should have run out the door at this point, but I was invested in being polite. So lunch comes, we eat. He starts telling me about women he has gone out with recently, and how he meets a lot of women. Again- weird things to talk about with a woman you are currently on a date with. He recounts a tale about a recent date with a woman he had been seeing and she began crying for apparently no reason, and he asks her “are you on your period or something?” , then goes on to ask me if I am over emotional. At this point I just want the date to be over.
He goes on to tell me how he dislikes people who move to fast in relationships and create drama out of nothing. Blah, fine. Bring the check.

As soon as I am free, I leave thinking that nothing will ever come from this. I was not at all impressed, nor did I ever want to talk to him again. He sent a text over the weekend telling me about a stomach/gas issue he was experiencing, which was wholly inappropraite and gross. He called me a few days later and I didn’t answer due to being asleep, the next day he texted me while I was busy in the other room. Now I wasn’t trying to ignore him, I was legit busy. Apparently he believed I was fading him out, which I wasn’t planning to do. I was actually just gonna be like this aint working, holla. But I guess he did it for me. I came back to a “four page letter” telling me how he didn’t like to chase women, and how he thought he was stalking me by texting and having conversation, and that if I wanted this to be over I needed to just say it. My response? “Whoa dude, that was a really deep text. For someone who likes to take it slow you got real intense over seemingly nothing.” He never texted back, I guess he didn’t appreciate my snark.

Whatevs…